Your most important relationship
What if I told you that there is one relationship in your life that affects everything else around you? It affects your health, your happiness, your career, your family, your love-life, your sex-life, your joy, your peace, your income, your home, your friends, your children, your pets, literally everything you care about.
Knowing how important this relationship is in your life, how would you treat the person you have this relationship with? I hope you will say something like: “with kindness, respect, patience, understanding”.
Ok, you may be guessing who I am referring to. I am talking about your relationship with yourself.
And I will stop trying to sound like a cheesy self-help magazine-article now.
Yet it is true, your relationship with yourself influences everything around you. And with relationship, I mean the beliefs you hold about yourself, the thoughts you think about yourself, the words you speak, the time you spend on yourself, the respect you show yourself, the boundaries you set, the ownership you take of your truth, your story and your life.
The way we think about ourselves, is rooted in the beliefs we hold about ourselves. And these beliefs are often shaped in our early years, by our parents and/or other care-givers, and the environment we grew up in. If we grew up in a safe home, where we were lovingly supported, where our needs were met, and our achievements were recognized and celebrated, the chances are that we believe we are ok. We will have developed a healthy sense of self-worth and find it relatively easy to accept ourselves, flaws and all. We probably experience the world around us as ok as well.
For many of us, our childhood has not been that straight-forward. We may have internalised very different messages about ourselves, if we were raised with criticism, contempt, ambivalence, neglect of even abuse. Our parents may have had their own problems in life to deal with, and therefore did not have the space, time or capacity to meet all of our needs. As children, we are too young to understand this of course. Our home life is our world when we are young, and what we learn to believe about ourselves from our environment, we experience as truth.
We will then operate from this perception about ourselves when we grow older, and have more experiences that will confirm this belief. For example, when we believe we are somehow flawed, and a romantic relationship ends, chances are that we blame ourselves, and believe even deeper that we are somehow not loveable, or not good enough.
That makes sense, right? We get what we believe we deserve, somehow. Now, the positive news about this, is that our beliefs are just that: they are beliefs, not facts. Because the fact is that we are all worthy, we are all good enough, we all have our flaws, and we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. So you are good enough. You are loveable, you are worthy, and if you thought you were not, that is not your fault, and you can change that belief.
Changing what we believe about ourselves, what with think and feel about ourselves may seem like a tricky thing to do. You can start with becoming aware of your inner critic, every time you tell yourself off, or every time you feel guilty about doing something for yourself, or every time you keep quiet so not to upset anyone. Notice it, and soften. Start talking to yourself the way you would to a good friend, or a child. Write your feelings down, make lists of the things you like about yourself. Set intentions to do one thing every day that makes you smile. Be kind to others, and enjoy the way they respond to you. Accept compliments and kind remarks. Think of a positive and supportive mantra, and say it to yourself often. Hang post-it notes around the house, with kind messages to yourself. Write it on your hand. Ask a loved-one to help you. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and say “I truly love myself”. Just do it, I dare you, and notice the difference. It is time you start believing the truth, and start appreciating that most important relationship you have with that most important person in your life.